Never seen the light of day
by freyja903
Summary: When Bella runs into Alice after three years of living separate lives, a chain of events is set into motion that hold surprises in store - and Bella's life takes a turn she would never have thought possible. Post-Eclipse, ignoring BD!
1. Chapter 1

This story had been rotting away in my writing folder for almost a year - now it's being rewritten and continued.

I really hope you like it! :)  
If you do: feedback is very much appreciated!  
If you don't: constructive criticism is, too ;)

**Disclaimer: **The Twilight characters aren't mine. I just borrowed them from Stephenie Meyer to play with.

**Special thanks** go to my wonderful beta Melanie!

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_On and on and on she goes…_

_(Mando Diao – Never seen the light of day)_

**Chapter One**

Stepping out of my car, I shivered, feeling the cold wind rush over my face and into my jacket. It was already freezing cold tonight, so I had decided to put jeans underneath the ridiculous black skirt I was wearing. Asking myself once again what the hell I was doing, I sighed, then opened the back door of my Toyota and took out my purse and the large black pointed hat that was supposed to complete tonight's outfit.

I pulled my light scarf farther up over my ears and started walking up to the small bar in downtown Milwaukee where I was going to meet my friend Sarah and her boyfriend Chris for the yearly Halloween party.

I was about to open the bar door when I felt my phone vibrating in the pocket of my pants. I quickly stepped inside the small entrance hall, put my purse securely between my feet and got it out. Smiling, I read the familiar name on the display and put the phone to my ear.

"Hey Jake!"

"Hey Bells! So you're actually ready for partying tonight, huh? So what outfit is it? The evil werewolf?" The teasing tone in his voice practically shoved the image of his broad grin into my mind. He must have heard the low background noise of the bar, although there was still a door separating me from the main room.

I scowled.

"Haha. I'm just going because Sarah practically begged me to come, you know that. And no, I'm a witch." That just sounded so ridiculous. I wondered briefly if I should have chosen something different, though this had seemed appropriate – nothing too fancy, plus it didn't require a lot of preparation.

I stepped into a corner, making space for an incoming couple I knew briefly from school. On the other end, I heard Jacob laugh.

"A witch? Not really the smartest choice, is it?"

"Why?"

"Just in case she was planning to introduce you to one of her boyfriend's – what's his name again? – good-looking friends? I'd have done a Morticia Adams or something like that. More - sexy, you know?" Now he definitely _was_ teasing me. I rolled my eyes, not amused at all.

"Jake, please."

"Seriously Bella," he sobered up a little. "I think it's about time you get yourself a nice guy. Not that anyone could in any case match _my_ good looks and manners and everything, but -"

"Jacob, stop it, alright?" I cut him off. Though I knew he was just joking, I was starting to feel angry now, and I really didn't want to fight with him,but this was a never-ending discussion. It had started as soon as he had come back from his self-imposed exile after having imprinted on Josie almost three years ago. Since then he had made it his private mission to get me into a relationship – though he should have realized by now that I just wasn't interested.

"Alright. Actually, I only wanted to wish you a nice evening. Have fun, okay?"

"I will, thanks. Hear you tomorrow?"

"Sure. Bye, Bells."

"Bye, Jake."

Putting the phone back into my pocket, I once again regretted that my best friend lived almost 2000 miles away. In fact, I could count the times we had seen each other during the last two years on one hand. I sighed, put the ridiculous hat on and stepped into the already crowded room.

Cautiously I made my way through the groups of people, my eyes scanning the room for Sarah or Chris. I finally found Sarah seated at a small table near the bar with Chris standing next to her, talking to a guy I figured must have been one of his friends. Chris was dressed up as a zombie, his left arm lightly placed around Sarah's hip. She was wearing a white dress, literally looking like a ghost.

"Hey, good to see you – Miss Potter. Where's your glasses and your scar?" Sarah greeted me, grinning.

"Hey - woman in white," I laughed, then waved at Chris who had turned towards us.

"Hey Bella, how's it going?"

"Good," I smiled at him. I really felt good now; maybe the evening would turn out nice after all.

"What would you like to drink?"

"Just a coke, I gotta drive back home," I said, letting myself sink onto the stool facing Sarah while Chris got up and headed towards the bar.

"So, did you get all your reading done for literature class yet?" Sarah asked, leaning over to me, "I really like the collection they chose this semester, but it takes just so much time to get through all of it."

"Mhm," I agreed. "I haven't read everything either." This wasn't exactly the truth - I just hadn't read the ones I already knew _again, _but she really didn't have to know that_._

I really couldn't have chosen a better program than English, majoring in literature. It was perfect for me, and I loved it. Well, except for the location – it was just too cold in winter with everything covered in snow for weeks. But it wasn't like I'd had much of a choice back then when I'd been heading to the first university that had accepted me…

"Here you are." Chris placed the coke in front of me, the ice cubes softly tinkling against the glass.

"Thanks!" I smiled up at him and took a small sip, looking around at the other guests. They were all dressed up in various costumes: other witches, wizards, ghosts and even a very real looking Freddy Krueger. I quickly looked away from him; that one creeped me out. Funny, considering the experiences I had made and the things I'd seen before – in another life that almost seemed unreal, like a dream now. But there was this slight twinge in one small corner of my heart whenever some of those memories came up which reminded me that it had, indeed, been very real.

"Oh my gosh!" Sarah suddenly turned her head towards the corner next to the entrance, pointing with her chin towards a blonde girl that was standing in the corner.

"See Carrie over there? Look at her, she's dressed like a bitch!"

I followed her glance. I barely knew Carrie, but she had a bit of a _reputation – _and this was another proof of how and where she got it from. She was wearing a very special nurse outfit: a tiny white leather skirt barely covering her backside, and a large red cross attached to the front of a too tight blouse.

"You think so?" Chris asked teasingly. "It's a nice outfit."

Sarah didn't answer, just elbowed him in the ribs.

"Guys," she sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Yep," I agreed. "Just look at that poor King Kong next to her, he's all but swooning." Turning my head back towards Sarah, I let my eyes wander once again over the room – and froze.

In the entrance door, two new guests had appeared. The girl was small, her short black hair placed carefully in elegant waves around her head, matching her 19th century dress. Her date wore a black, elegant tux, his blonde hair combed back. The girl let her peculiar eyes scan the room as if she was looking out for something – or someone?

I stared at them, recognizing their familiar features at once.

Dracula and his bride - how fitting.

"Bella? You alright?" Sarah's concerned voice woke me from my stupor. My heart was racing as I nervously reached for my purse, ducking out of the way. The immense hat almost knocked over my glass in the process.

"Yeah sure," I replied, quickly readjusting it on my head. "Listen Sarah, I think – I think I need to go to the bathroom." I jumped up from the stool, my skirt getting caught in the chair leg. Stumbling slightly, I rushed towards the back of the room, escaping the faces I had been sure I would never see again in my life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **The Twilight characters aren't mine. I just borrowed them from Stephenie Meyer to play with.

**Special thanks** again to Melanie for the beta! :)

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**Chapter 2**

_She knows that if she ever breaks free,_

_She will never see the light of day_

_She's been blinded by the stars and dreams she craved_

_(Mando Diao – Never seen the light of day)_

Entering the bathroom in a hurry, I slammed the door shut behind me. A girl refreshing her make up at the sink cringed and shot me an annoyed glance. I ignored her and locked myself into one of the two cubicles, sitting down on the closed lid.

My breath was ragged as I stared at the blue door in front of me, my thoughts racing. Knowing I was close to a panic attack, I tried to calm down, listening as the girl left the bathroom. Now alone, I leaned back against the tank and took off my hat, trying to sort out the chaos in my head.

I couldn't believe what I had just seen. They weren't supposed to be here, they belonged to my other life, my past life. Frustrated, I let my head sink to my knees.

I must have imagined this - it just wasn't possible, period.

But still, I couldn't bring myself to go back out. I was too afraid. What if they really were there? What should I say? Were they here for me or was it a coincidence?

_Coincidence? With _her_ being involved?_

Okay, so not a coincidence. Damn, this was bad.

I was still pondering whether I should get out and face whatever expected me outside, when I heard the door being opened. Instinctively, I held my breath, then slowly lifted my head, sitting straight again.

"Bella?"

I exhaled audibly. Just Sarah, no reason to panic.

"I'm in here." Dammit, my voice was shaky.

"Are you okay? You seemed a little – rushed." I could hear her approaching my cubicle, then stopping near the sink.

"Yeah, I'm fine, really. I just really needed to pee." Okay, that wasn't a very credible excuse, but it would have to do for now.

"Alright then." Sarah clearly wasn't a hundred percent convinced. "But if you need anything, if you want to talk – whatever it is, I'm here okay?"

I sighed. "Okay. Now, would you mind…" I didn't want to be rude, but I needed a minute alone right now.

"Oh. Sure, I'm on my way. But come see me before you leave, okay?" she answered, turning around and closing the door again.

So she really had realized there was something weird going on. Crap, now she probably thought it had to do something with her.

My head was still spinning. To clear my thoughts, I decided to go for the cold water splash and then go back inside. I couldn't spend the night in here, after all. And I really didn't want Sarah to be angry with me.

Just as I was about to head for the sink, the door opened again. I sighed.

"Sarah, really, I'm okay! I'll be there in a-"

"Bella? Is that you?"

I blinked, my mouth hanging open in shock; my mind had instantly recognized the brilliant voice that had spoken my name. Okay, so I definitely had not hallucinated. Still, the knowledge didn't make me feel any better, on the contrary: I felt dizzy suddenly.

I didn't answer, just balled my hands into fists.

"Isabella Swan! I know you're in there, just come out already."

"N-no." It was nothing more than a whisper, although I had wanted it to sound stubborn and harsh. "You're not there. You can't be."

"Bella, don't be ridiculous." The voice sounded very impatient now. Very like _her_.

"I'm not." I responded, still shaky. I'd stay in here until she had disappeared again – facing her would make it absolutely real.

"Open the door or I will remove it my way. You don't want to explain that to the owner, do you?"

Not that she would actually do it, I was pretty sure about that. She never was the overly dramatic person, so I ignored her threat.

"Please. Just leave, okay?"

"I'll count to three." Alright, maybe she was.

"One."

I gulped, my heart still racing.

"Two."

I put my now shaking hand on the lock. Taking a deep breath, I slid it to the side, then slowly pushed the door open.

"Three."

I stepped out, still not breathing.

Alice Cullen stood less than five feet away from me, leaning casually against the sink, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

She smiled at me.

"Finally! I'm really sorry, but if I hadn't threatened you, you'd have never left that your smelly hiding place."

I couldn't speak. Of course I knew that she hadn't changed, but it was still weird to see her looking exactly the same as she had three years ago. Catching my reflection in the mirror behind her, I recognized that I, on the other hand, looked horrible, almost like I had seen a ghost. Which was true, in a way.

"Hey," I managed, my voice rough. I glanced around nervously, not daring to look at her though I could feel her eyes on me. "This is – a surprise."

"It is indeed. Well, not so much for me," she laughed and I smiled slightly. The sound of her voice made my mind be flooded with many happy memories - memories I had suppressed for a very long time.

Shaking my head, I tried to get rid of the images. I had suppressed them for a reason after all.

I was still pretty much speechless, unable to wrap my mind around what was happening. But I knew that I had to do something, say something, now.

"Alice – what do you want?" I finally asked, unable to hide the slight anger in my voice. Yes, what was she doing here? Why couldn't she just leave me alone?

After all she had been the reason I had chosen this life over the other alternative.

"I just- thought we might be able to talk," she said, looking at me hopefully. "It's been such a long time and I thought you might want to know-"

"You know what? I don't think so. I don't want to know anything," I snapped, instantly sorry about being so rude. But I couldn't let her go on. This had already gone too far; I shouldn't have talked to her in the first place. The door in my mind behind which I had securely hidden my emotions and memories was now unlocked - it wouldn't take much more to open it completely and all my efforts would have been in vain.

"Bella-" Alice began again, but I ignored the begging edge in her voice. Instead, I bit my lip and stormed past her and out of the bathroom.

_This just can't be happening,_ I thought to myself. _This is not part of the plan I've made._

Still in a daze, I made my way back to our table, trying to get back to the real world by taking a few deep breaths. Sarah was looking at me expectantly. She clearly wanted an explanation for my strange behavior, but I really couldn't think of one.

_You know, I just ran into this old vampire friend of mine, who is a psychic and therefore knew we would meet. It was kind of weird and that's why I really need to go home now._

Yeah, right. Very plausible.

"There you are!" Sarah exclaimed.

"Yep," I responded curtly. "I don't really feel good though, I think I have to go home." I smiled at her apologetically.

"Oh, well-" Her expression was clearly confused, if not even a little offended. "I mean, if you have to leave…"

"Sarah, I'm really, really sorry," I apologized, and I wasn't lying. The party had just started after all, and without me there she'd be stuck with Chris and his friends.

I quickly put on my coat and hugged her goodbye. My witch hat clamped under my arm, I took my purse and quickly made my way to the exit.

When I stepped outside, the fresh air was a relief. Taking a deep breath I hastily started walking towards my parking spot. I needed to get away from here, back to my apartment, as quickly as possible.

I didn't even bother opening the back door of my car, but instead just climbed into the front seat, then leaned over and threw my stuff ointo the backseat. I started the engine, fumbling with my seatbelt, when I suddenly heard the door open. Before I could even blink, Alice was sitting next to me, closing the door with a thud.

"You don't really think you can run away from me, Bella?" She looked at me, rolling her eyes in a very Alice-like manner.

I sighed audibly. "Apparently not. So- where's Jasper? That was Jasper who came in with you, wasn't it?" I asked, trying to get a harmless conversation going.

She ignored this question, and instead answered another one, one I didn't dare ask aloud.

"I wasn't looking for you, you know? But as soon as we had decided to stay here for a while, I saw us meeting you here."

Although she sounded cheerful, there was a strange edge to her voice; it almost seemed like she was trying to hide something from me. This was getting more and more awkward.

"Who is 'us' then?" I asked, taking my hand off the gear shift and my foot off the brake. As I was stuck here with her now, I might as well face it. Driving with her sitting next to me and talking wouldn't be very safe, I figured.

"Oh, just Jasper and me. We were taking some time off, you know? Thought we might pay a visit to the Great Lakes. And then, the idea of celebrating Halloween seemed very appealing," she explained, her fingers playing around with a bow on her dress.

"Mhm," I answered briefly, my thoughts somewhere far off. I was fighting with myself, fighting the desire to know more. This was a unique opportunity; I probably wouldn't get another one. But should I really do it? Should I ask her about the others? Did I even want to know?

But before I could make up my mind, she continued, still babbling.

"You know what? Why don't I stay with you for a while; I'll just call Jazz and tell him to go back to the hotel on his own and we can go have a coffee or something and catch up?"

It was tempting. For a second, I almost felt like I was eighteen again, with Alice being a great friend. I was already about to invite her over to my apartment when I remembered that I was 22 now and the situation had changed completely.

"Alice – I don't think that is a good idea."

"Why not?" She eyed me curiously, her cellphone already in her hand.

"Because –" _I'm not over it yet. And I probably never will be, despite what you might have seen happening someday._

"Because I'm over it," I stated instead, not wanting to admit my pathetic state of mind.  
"I'm living a new life now." I looked at her, pleading for her to understand me. "I just don't think it would help if I heard–"

"I know," she answered, avoiding my gaze. She almost sounded remorseful. "I was just curious. Have you found him yet? You know, the guy you'll marry and have children with?" She winked sheepishly, her eyes glittering with the reflected lights of the street lamps.

At first, I had no idea what she was talking about. Then, suddenly, it hit me. The door in my mind swung open and the memories crashed, cascade-like, into me.


	3. Chapter 3

This the second part of what was originally one single chapter.

**Thanks **again to Melanie :)

**Disclaimer**: I don't own the Twilight characters - they're Stephenie's babies ;)

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**Chapter 3  
**

Don't tell me this dream is over  
And don't stop telling me your love  
Don't tell me this dream is over  
And don't stop burning my eyes my bird of blue  
(Mando Diao - This dream is over)

_It was a day in July 2006, one week after we had sent out our wedding invitations. Alice was already thriving on the preparations: picking flowers for my bouquet, deciding on the color of the tablecloths, basically all the stuff I didn't really care about and was glad I could make her happy with._

_It was also one week after I had learned from Charlie that Jacob had gone missing. With a slightly reproachful look, he had told me that Jacob had run away after he had received his invitation to my wedding. It had shocked me – of course I had known that there would be a separation, but I hadn't expected anything like this. All I wanted was to find a way to get him back home and I spent my time desperately trying to find him. _

_That day I had gone down to La Push to talk to Sam and Billy, but Billy had just told me to let Jake "do whatever he needs to do to deal with it" and Sam hadn't even wanted to meet me at all. _

_So I left again, feeling helpless and guilty. I wasn't crying though, keeping my promise to not shed any more tears for Jacob Black. I just couldn't believe he was leaving his family and his pack behind – all because of me._

_I arrived home, still feeling awful, which didn't change much when I entered my room to find Edward waiting for me. He was sitting in my rocking chair with a strange, distant look in his eyes. I immediately sensed that something was wrong. I didn't have to ask him to tell me – he started speaking before I could even greet him._

"_Bella," he whispered. I stopped in the doorframe. "I'm so sorry."_

_I was confused – was he talking about Jake?_

"_I already told you Edward, you don't have to be sorry for Jake's disappearance. I know you really-"_

"_I'm not sorry for Jacob." His voice was rough, almost as if he'd been crying – that is, if he had been able to do so. This definitely wasn't right. I felt myself starting to panic as I walked towards him. _

"_What is it then? Is something wrong with Renee?" I asked, even more worried as I kneeled down next to him and took his cold hands into mine. _

_He didn't look at me, just stared into space with that pained expression on his face; an expression I knew only too well – one I had sworn to never make appear on his face again.. _

"_Bella, I'm sorry that-" He stopped, choking. "I'm sorry that it won't work out. I'm sorry that I put you under so much pressure; I'm sorry that I made you agree to marry me."_

_I couldn't believe it! What the hell was he talking about? What made him say those things?_

_I tried to speak, but my voice didn't obey. It just croaked, then broke and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I could sense where this was going and it just couldn't be. He wouldn't- he _couldn't -_ do it again. He had _sworn_ never to do this again!_

"_You're-" I managed, whispering now. "You're not leaving me, are you? Tell me this is not another goodbye speech!"_

_He finally turned his head and looked at me._

"_No," he answered softly, stroking the top of my hands with his thumbs. "No, it isn't. I'm not leaving you. But I want you to know that I'm alright with your decision."_

"_With what decision?" I exclaimed, angry now. This didn't make sense – I had made no decision, not that I knew of._

"_Your decision not to marry me. I know for a fact that you want something different, something _real_ –something you will have in the near future. And I want you to know that I love you too much not to let you have what you really want. "_

_His eyes were full of sadness as he smiled at me._

"_Okay, now I get it. You're kidding, right?" This was the only explanation I had, even though I really didn't think it was funny. On the contrary, he would pay for joking like that!_

"_I'm serious, Bella," he objected. "But I'm okay with it – I thought about it and I'll let you have what you want."_

"_But I already have what I want! I want you, only you - forever. There's nothing I want more than that, Edward!" I got up again, my knees slightly aching. I was furious. How could he even think such a thing?_

"_If you don't - then why did Alice see you having a family?" he asked, his voice on the verge of breaking, full of desperation._

_I froze, not believing my ears. "She saw _what_?!"_

"_She saw you having a family! Do you understand now that what we're doing won't work out? We might get married, yes, but apparently not for long."_

_He looked so fragile now, so broken - I'd never seen him like this. My anger instantly vaporized, leaving nothing but confusion and a sting of pain in the pit of my stomach. I didn't know what to say. I had never doubted my decision to spend the rest of my existence with him, not once – well, not since I had said my goodbyes to Jacob. I had no idea how Alice could have come up with a vision like this – it made no sense at all._

"_Edward, calm down. You know her visions aren't always correct, right? They can change, she makes mistakes! Just remember when you thought I had killed myself! Don't let this happen again, please!"_

_I realized that I was trying to hold him back from whatever decision _he_ was about to make. But I knew that he was already set as soon as he looked at me again. He had apparently had enough time to think this through, whereas I was overwhelmed by it._

"_Bella – no matter if that vision was a hundred percent correct or not, I won't take this away from you, not if there's the slightest possibility this could come true. You should have seen yourself. You looked so happy, glowing with joy-" he stopped, staring at the wall with a strange look on his face._

_In that moment, I asked myself if Alice's visions were not only the results of the conscious but also of the unconscious decisions someone made. Could it be that with my decision to find Jacob, I had somehow triggered choosing him? That this had somehow changed my future?_

_I felt a strange tug in my stomach. No. This couldn't be. I was about to marry Edward, for heaven's sake, and I had already spent hours contemplating this. I had even figured out a way to deal with Charlie and Renee, defending my changed views on "premature marriage", as Charlie had called it. And I already had plans on how to deal with them after I was changed, which couldn't be any more precise, so what was going on here?_

"_Edward, I won't leave you. I can't live without you; I've tried that already. This is ridiculous."_

_He was still sitting in the chair, his forehead in his hands._

"_Just listen to me, Bella, please. If this vision wasn't based on your thoughts – that's even worse, because that would mean that there is something coming that will separate us. Carlisle has heard rumours about a small coven in Canada who have apparently heard about our engagement and somehow don't _approve_." He grimaced over the last few words. _

_He looked at me, determination showing in his eyes. "We don't know what they're up to or why, as Alice can't see them clearly for some reason. But it doesn't matter! What if they have decided to go after us and they succeed? I'm not being selfish here – you know I would die for you, if you decided to stay with me. But I don't want to make you a widow, Bella! I'd rather see you leave willingly – it would clear my conscience."_

_I stood there, silent, listening to his speech with my thoughts racing._

_Could this be true? Could someone want to kill him if he married me? Leaving me behind, broken and human? What if he was right? What if Alice was right? Could I really have a human future? Wasn't I destined to be a vampire someday?_

_If I really had to choose between leaving him and trying to live a human life or staying, with the knowledge that it could kill him and maybe even his family… I swallowed the lump in my throat. That wasn't a fair choice – even if I knew already what my decision would be._

_I just couldn't imagine existing in a world he wasn't a part of._

_I remembered the fear I had felt a few months ago, when Edward had gone to Volterra to end his life. And then it occurred to me. Suddenly, I was hopeful again. Alice must be wrong after all – there was one argument that was too important to ignore: the Volturi and our promise to them. Had he forgotten about it? I cleared my throat, trying to think clearly. "Even if I- leave you" My voice broke on the last words, not wanting to pronounce them. "What about the Volturi? I have to become one of you now, otherwise they'll kill me. And probably you as well."_

_Edward looked up at me, a look of resolution on his face. "You were alive and happy in this vision, so they won't come after you. We will find a way to deal with them."_

_In that instant, all hope was gone and I felt a familiar black hole growing inside of me, swallowing all my happiness as I realized that I didn't really have a choice anymore. There was only one way for me – a way I was afraid to take. _

_Before I could think of anything to say, he stood up. "Think about it, Bella. I'll understand, whatever you choose to do." _

_Swiftly, faster than my eyes could follow him, he came towards me and looked at me with sad, tortured eyes. I wanted to say something, calm him down, but my head was spinning now. I couldn't think clearly, let alone speak – and deep inside I already knew what I had to. _

_He leaned down and kissed me softly, lingering, waiting for me to respond. And although my heart was yearning to cling to him, kiss him back, do everything to prevent him from leaving, I couldn't move, even when he finally drew back and turned away from me._

_I just stood there, leaning on the doorframe with my arms wrapped around me, and watched him climb out through my window. When he was gone, I sank down onto my knees and started crying, ashamed of myself for what I was about to do…._

"Bella? Hey, you still in there?" Alice's voice pulled me out of my daydreaming.

I looked at her, startled. "Huh? Yeah, yeah."

"So," she cleared her throat, avoiding my glance. "have you met Prince Charming yet?"

I realized she wanted to sound cheerful, but didn't really succeed.

"No…I don't know. I'm not sure there'll ever be someone like that." The fresh memories of Edward had made the idea of having another boyfriend more than ridiculous. I bit my lip, trying to keep the tears from spilling over.

"Come on, I saw that there'll be someone. Well, you probably haven't met him yet. Although you looked pretty young, so it can't be long now." Her face clearly looked tortured now – I could only imagine what memories invaded her mind now, but I was pretty sure they involved my former fiancée.

I closed my eyes and leaned back, taking a deep breath.

"Alice, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"You don't have to apologize, Bella," she interrupted. "You didn't have a choice, we all understand. It just…wasn't exactly an easy time. In fact, I'm being stupid right now. I actually should be excited to meet your little girl sometime – if I may?"

"Could you…" I began, not sure if this was a good question to ask. But I needed something to distract me, to take me back to the present. "Would you tell me what exactly you saw back then?"

"Well, sure. I think you have a right to know first-hand," she answered, smiling slightly. "I saw you holding a baby, a little girl. You're in your mother's backyard, sitting on a cute pink blanket with rabbits on it. You were smiling happily at her the baby, and your mom was there with you," Alice said.

Suddenly I felt cold. I knew that blanket – I had bought it myself, almost a year ago. A terrible suspicion made its way into my thoughts and there was only one way to confirm it

"And the father – did you see the father?" I added, my voice shaking now.

"No, I didn't. That's why I'm here, I thought it might be good to meet the lucky guy." She was smiling again, although, this time, there was a faint trace of sadness hidden beneath it. Sadness, no doubt, for a certain someone who had given me up to allow me to have a future that he had considered better for me.

A future, I knew now, that in fact had never existed. Alice had indeed been wrong.

My hands gripped the steering wheel when realization hit. I admitted, more to myself than to my former best friend, that I had made a terrible mistake.

"I don't think there'll be any 'lucky guy' for me." I stated, matter-of-factly.

"What? Come on, I _saw_ it!"

"I know. But see, the child you saw with my mom and I - she isn't my daughter." I swallowed, hard, before I finally admitted the fact that shattered my world.

"She's Lilly – my little sister."

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Feedback is always very much appreciated :)

**On a personal, serious note:**  
I would like to take this opportunity to commemorate the victims of the school shooting that took place yesterday, March 11th, near Stuttgart in my home country. It's such a terrible tragedy, I'm still lost for words...  
May they rest in peace and may their relatives, parents and friends have the strength to get through these hard times.... :(


	4. Chapter 4

**Betaed** by the wonderful Melanie! Thanks so much! :)

**Disclaimer:** The characters are still not mine *pouts*

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**Chapter 4**

**  
**_If I leave you  
__At the wrong time  
__I've got nothing left to come back to_  
(Mando Diao - If I leave you)

"She's what?" Alice's mouth fell open as she stared at me in shock.

"She's my sister. Well, half-sister to be exact." I stared at my hands on the wheel, watching my knuckles turn white. "Renee and Phil had a baby the year after our graduation. It's her you've seen with us; I'm a hundred percent sure."

My heart was racing and in the back of my mind, my thoughts resembled pieces of a jigsaw puzzle falling into place.

"But-" Alice was still looking at me, her eyes wide. I could see comprehension dawning in her expression. "That means-"

I cut her off, finishing her sentence myself. "That I've made a terrible mistake, yes."

And with every second, the extent of this mistake sank in deeper. I had thrown away my life - the love of my life – for nothing. I wouldn't have had to leave him, there hadn't been any danger. All Alice had seen was the outcome of Renee and Phil's decision to have a child of their own.

I grimaced with pain, turning my head to stare out the window. We would be together by now, happily married and I would be changed already, possibly even able to walk among humans again.

Hot tears welled up and I started breathing frantically.

"Bella…" Alice gently put her hand on my forearm, slightly squeezing in a comforting gesture.

I looked at her and in her eyes the same desperation was visible, though she seemed so composed on the outside. I on the other hand, was trembling now.

"I'm so, so sorry, Bella," she whispered.

"Don't be," I responded, my voice nothing more than a quiet croaking. "You couldn't have known..." I bit my lip, trying to regain my composure, but it was impossible.

All the months of fighting with myself, fighting the pain and the urge to run back to him – it had been worthless. I - had only been able to go through with it because I knew it would save the people I loved, even if it meant not seeing them ever again. And, in the back of my mind, I had always had the knowledge that one day, I would be over it. Now I didn't even need Alice's foresight to know that this would never be the case.

All I could think of was the last memory I had of Edward, the sad look on his face before he had climbed out the window that day. I hadn't seen him again after that, as I had left early the next morning to go to Renee. I never had said a proper goodbye to anyone, just explained my decision in various letters I had left for the members of my mortal and immortal families.

All the pain they had gone through – I couldn't possibly make them forget it, even if I went back. And Edward- what was he going to say? My stomach gave an uneasy tug as I thought of my former fiancé.

"What do I do now?" I whispered, leaning my head on the side window. Could I go back to the Cullens, just like that? Could I just forget everything? Could _he_? I cringed as I remembered the thought of him with another girl.  
No, I just couldn't see him now. Not yet. I needed time to think about this, properly and thoroughly. Taking a deep breath, I turned to Alice.

"I think I should go home now," I said, putting one hand on the gearshift. But before I could exit the lot, Alice had – in the blink of an eye -- left the car and opened my door.

"You can't drive like this," she stated resolutely, "I'll drive you home."

"But you're-" _just as distraught as I am_, I wanted to say, but was cut off.

"I just saw us crashing at the intersection two blocks away!" Her voice had a shrill undertone that revealed her distress – this was so unlike her, it scared me. "Now, would you please let me drive?"

I sighed, climbing out of the car. She was right, I really was too shaky to be able to drive: my knees almost gave way under me. When I had somehow gotten into the passenger seat, Alice was already sitting behind the wheel, staring out the rearview mirror.

She slowly pulled out of the parking lot while I fumbled to hook my seatbelt with shaking hands. I leaned back, closing my eyes.

"So, where do I go?" Alice askedquietly.

I told her the address. She nodded and pulled out, not asking about the direction – built-in-mind GPS, I guessed.

We drove in silence for a few minutes; I felt silent tears running down my face as I stared out the window, thinking about the last three years.

"Edward, you idiot," Alice suddenly muttered to herself and I flinched at the name. Why was she blaming him now? It had been me who had fled like a chased deer after all. It wasn't his fault – he hadn't forced me to do it, it had been my own decision. I watched from the corner of my eye as Alice went on.

"I never should have stopped watching out for you Bella! I might have seen this happening; I might have realized that we had misunderstood. If he just hadn't-" She stopped as she looked at me, taking in my confused expression.

"Did he-" I began, but couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence.

"Yes, he asked me not to, right after you took off to Florida. At first I thought that it was stupid – I didn't want you disappearing out of my life like that. It made me feel better to know what you were up to." I gulped, feeling incredibly guilty suddenly.

"But then, I realized that he suffered enough already without seeing you in my mind every day-" She stopped abruptly. "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't tell you this."

"No, it's- okay," I responded quietly. Maybe it was my masochistic personality trait, but I wanted to know what had happened.

"Well, I let go of your future then – kind of like erasing your number from my speed dial. And I promised him not to look out for you anymore. He was convinced you would be fine and didn't need us; the vision of you and the child was proof enough for him."

I looked back out into the blackness, hiding a new wave of tears. So he really had banished me from his life completely – just as I had banished him. He'd probably moved on already…maybe even met someone else…

Was that the reason Alice hadn't said much about him until now?

My stomach flipped at the thought. Yesterday I would have been relieved to know that he wasn't miserable anymore; now the image of him with another woman made me sick.

_It has always been him_, I thought. _There never was someone else and there never will be._

"So, I figure he'll be furious – I mean, when he finds out that you've seen me?" I asked cautiously, trying to get her to spill the beans without asking her directly. Better get it over with so I could deal with it.

Alice didn't answer immediately, just kept staring out the window. _She's acting weird – what is she thinking about? _

"Yeah, I guess he will be," she said quietly, still staring ahead at the dark street. For a split second I was sure I saw something like a strange shadow appear on her face, but before I could identify what exactly it was, it was gone again.

Of course he will, I thought. This was probably the last thing he needed. But I didn't dare ask her about it, I was too scared that she would prove me right.

"Here we are," Alice stated a minute later as she parked in front of my building.

"Thanks," I said quietly. I was still upset, although I tried my best to keep my composure - breaking down on the street wasn't an option. Still, I felt completely worn out, my throat hurt from all the crying and I could feel a headache coming.

"Should I come upstairs with you?" Alice asked as she got out and closed the door.

"No, it's okay. I'll just go to bed and –think I guess. What are you going to do now?" I asked, not sure where to go from here. In fact, I wasn't sure about anything anymore.

"I'll go get Jasper and tell him... This is so unexpected – I mean, me and unexpected!" She gave an annoyed snort before looking at me with a concerned expression. "Are you sure you'll be alright? I can stay…?"

"It's okay, really." I ran my still trembling hand through my hair. "I just need time." _And I'm used to dealing with-things like this alone, _I added mentally.

"Mhm," she replied, looking away for a second, "I think we all do."

I smiled at her awkwardly. This definitely was the weirdest situation I'd been in since – well, since I left Forks. "So…I'll see you then?" I said quietly,

"Yes," she answered, also smiling sadly. And with that, she was gone.

***

I entered my apartment, letting the door fall shut behind me. I leaned against it, closing my eyes and taking in the faint trace of the vanilla candles I had lit before I'd gone out. To the left of the entrance was the small kitchen, and turning the corner I entered the living room that held my desk, several bookshelves and a sofa. On the opposite wall, next to the TV, a sliding door led to my bedroom, which was all but completely occupied by my bed. Another sliding door led from that room through the closet into the bathroom.

It was small, but more than enough for me.

Right now it was convenient not to have to share an apartment with a roommate anymore. I really wasn't in the mood for any more lying and making up explanations for why I was so upset. Thanks to a scholarship I was given at the beginning of this year due to my excellent grades, I was able to afford this small, but cozy place on my own.

I walked over to my dresser and looked at myself in the mirror above it.

The eyeliner I had put on this afternoon to complete my costume had made its way down my face, staining my cheeks with grayish spots.

My hair was a mess and my eyes were expressionless, my whole appearance reflected my feelings only too well -- blank and confused and devastated as I was.

My thoughts were still racing and I tried to get hold of them one by one and sort them out. But I couldn't grasp even one, they were too tangled and confusing.

I had left him, knowing the only way to keep us both alive was to cheat destiny before it could separate us forcefully. But deep inside I had always doubted there would be someone other than him.

Still, if it hadn't been for Alice's vision, I probably would have stayed, despite the obvious threat. So who should I blame now? Edward for trusting Alice's vision? Myself for believing him and ignoring the doubt that had been nagging -at my mind?

I didn't know. What should I do now?

The idea of seeing him scared me - I had no idea how to react. For all I knew he had moved on, so what good would it do? It would only cause me more pain. would it make other than causing me even more pain?

But my future was gone - in fact, I had never had one after I left Forks. I should have asked Alice what she saw for me now. But did I really want to know?

Slowly I made my way into my bedroom and automatically took off my clothes. I went into the bathroom and stepped into the shower, although it was already almost 12:00. But I didn't care about my neighbors, let them give me hell for the noise I was making.

When the hot water started running over my head, I leaned back, letting my confusion wash away.  
After what felt like an eternity, I turned the water off and wrapped myself tightly in a towel. I felt better now, though the sadness was still pressing my insides into a tight lump at least I my thoughts weren't a tangled mess anymore.

I grabbed my old sweatpants and an old t-shirt from my bed and put them on, then went back out to get a glass of water from the kitchen.

I slid the door open, still absentmindedly drying my hair with the towel. I stopped abruptly when I saw Alice and Jasper in my living room. They were sitting casually on the couch, looking back at me.

"Sorry for breaking in Bella, but we had to hurry," Alice said apologetically.

I noticed from the corner of my eye that the window was open. Fifth story, I thought, impressive. I just hoped no one had seen them climbing up the outer wall of the building.

"Good to see you," Jasper greeted me, smiling slightly.

"Yeah," I responded. He probably was the reason I felt so calm. How could I possibly have managed that on my own?

"Bella, we're going to Boston, we really need to talk to Carlisle about this," Alice said. She looked even worse than before she had left, strained and worried. Jasper put his arm around her shoulders, apparently trying to comfort her.

"Just pack lightly, our plane leaves tomorrow morning at 5:30," he said, looking at me expectantly.

"Wh-" I just stared back at them. Did I get that right? "You mean I'm coming with you?"

"Of course you are. It's all about you, isn't it? We need to solve this." Once again I had the impression that Alice wasn't saying what she wanted to - that she was keeping something from me. But before I could ask what it was, Jasper spoke again.

"Look Bella, this is a big deal. We really shouldn't discuss it with him over the phone. And I think it would be better if you were there."

"No. I'm not going." I knew that I wasn't ready to see Edward. The thought of looking him in the eye in less than 12 hours was more than frightening - I needed more time than that. I started to panic again, but then felt a wave of peace wash over me. "Jasper, stop it," I complained, but he ignored me. After a few seconds, I was completely at ease again.

Still, that didn't change my decision; it only made it easier to stick to it. I wouldn't go with them.

And I really didn't understand why they were in such a hurry. They had more than enough time after all, and Edward would know what had been going on regardless of me being there. It was better if he found out on his own and had time to make up his mind, he didn't need my presence there, influencing him. I hadn't even sorted it all out, didn't even know if I wanted to see Edward again, let alone pick up where we left off.

And even if - wasn't I already too old for him? Ridiculous as it sounded, the idea of being - at least physically - 5 years older than him was weird.

"Really, Alice, I can't. Not yet." For a second I thought I saw Jasper move and quickly whisper something into Alice ear, too low for me to understand. But apparently she didn't notice anything, so I went on.

"Look, just tell Edward what happened. I don't know why you avoid speaking about him, so I guess it would probably hurt me." Alice flinched slightly, which confirmed my guess. "But please go back to Boston and tell him. If he still wants to see me he can call– or something."

"Bella, it isn't like-" Jasper started, but Alice knocked her elbow into his side before he could go on, shooting him a warning glance.

"Well, if you don't want to…" she answered. "I can't make you go...well, I wouldn't make you if you're not ready."

Then she got up, walking towards me.

"I'll call you - you won't get rid of us again, I swear." She smiled slightly, putting on hand on my shoulder.

"Should I give you my number?" I asked, but she shook her head.

"You don't have to. I just saw you writing it down."

"Okay," I said, shrugging slightly. Vampires and their impossible minds.

"I'll see you around, sis," she said, squeezing my shoulder slightly, then turned toward the window.

"Bye, Bella." Jasper added and followed her.

"Er.." I started, interrupting them in their movements. "Would you mind taking the stairs? The neighbors, you know…"

"Oh. Yeah, sure," Alice answered.

I smiled, raising my right hand to wave at them, then watched as Alice pulled Jasper into the kitchen and around the corner. With another "Bye" they were out the door.

As soon as they had left and Jasper's influence was gone, I was trembling again, my thoughts instantly going back to crazy mode. I was not sure that the events of the night had really happened, it had been more than weird. And somehow, certain parts of the conversation seemed to have been nothing more than a well-acted play. There was something they hadn't told me, I was absolutely sure about that.

I felt the exhaustion creeping over me as I made my way back to my bedroom, sitting down on the edge of my bed. This had been an all too crazy night, more than anyone could take. All I wanted was to go back in time, back to the life I had been happy in and never changing anything about that.

I didn't realize I had started crying again until I heard the first sob escape my lips. After that, there was no holding back.

Curling into a ball on my bed, I mourned everything I lost, grieving the life that was out of my grasp now.

And with hot tears spilling out from under my closed eyelids, I cried myself to sleep.

****

Feedback is greatly appreciated :)


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** So, I guess it's time for a personal chapter note. :)

Thanks so much to everyone who left feedback to the last chapters! You won't believe how happy each and every review makes me - it's just awesome to see so many people like my story that much. And it seems I already have a few loyal readers, which is absolutely incredible. You guys motivate me and make me keep writing, so thank you so much. :)

As there still seems to be some confusion about the whole "who left who and why" issue, I'll use the opportunity to clear this up here. This is what leads to Bella leaving Forks in 2006:

Alice has a vision of Bella and the child. Around the same time Carlisle hears rumors about this coven which doesn't approve of the whole "relationship-with-a-human/marriage plan" which makes them a possible threat.  
Edward sees Alice's vision, decides there are two possibilities for her to have it. 1) Bella doesn't want to marry him anymore, she wants to leave him 2) something happens to him that forces her to live without him. He makes the connection to the other coven, concluding they are planning attack the Cullens and kill him.

He explains everything to Bella. As Bella rules option 1 out, Edward is now sure that the other coven will separate them, possibly even killing him. Still, he tells Bells he will keep his promise to not leave her again, saying he will agree to whatever she decides to do (and by this, implying that she has the option of leaving him as he would never directly ask her to do it). Bella understands - she will have to leave voluntarily to prevent the other coven from attacking the Cullens. She could stay, but this would obviously lead to an attack.

Therefore, Bella leaves Edward to prevent him or the Cullens from being hurt or killed. She rather takes the pain of leaving him than the pain of knowing he is dead. Plus, she is convinced she will be over it someday judging from Alice's vision which they all interpreted as Bella's future family.

I hope this is a clearer now. If there are any more questions - ask me! :)

But now: enough rambling. Hope you enjoy the new chapter. It's finally heading somewhere - so have fun reading! :)

Thanks as always to Melanie for betaing! :)

* * *

**Chapter 5**

_I was walking swiftly through a very familiar forest. I knew where the path I was taking would lead me, and I felt a tug of strange anticipation in my stomach._

_Sunlight was falling in bright streaks through the canopy of leaves above me, turning the moss that was coating the bark of the trees into large, bright green spots. It must have been raining; the air was thick with humidity and I could smell the damp earth._

_I knew I was dreaming though; in reality I wouldn't have been able to focus on anything besides my own feet without stumbling and landing on my face._

_After a few more minutes, I suddenly saw a bright light several yards away from me. I slowed down, then walked out of the thicket into the meadow._

_The sun was unnaturally strong and made me blink as my eyes were blinded by the sudden brightness of the light._

_When they finally had gotten used to it, I recognized the figure that was standing in the middle of the meadow._

_I knew who it was, even if I couldn't see his face against the sun._

_Edward. There he was, I had found him._

_I slowly walked towards him, still only seeing a shadow where his face was._

_When I raised my hand to touch his cheek, I realized there was something different about him - I just couldn't quite make out what it was._

_"Bella, my Bella," he whispered, his voice as angelic as ever. "You've come for me..."_

_I couldn't speak, mesmerized by the way his skin felt beneath my fingers. It had been so long..._

_"I'm sorry, my love, I never should have..."_

A high-pitched beeping noise suddenly drowned him out and I woke with a start. Groaning sleepily, I turned around and looked at my nightstand. The display of my cell flashed for two more seconds, then went out again. I grabbed it groggily, squinting at the display with half-closed eyelids. 8:30! Who the hell sent me a text message at 8:30 on a Saturday morning?

I opened the inbox: it was from Jacob. "call me as soon as u wake up. got news. love, j"

"Idiot…" I muttered and let the phone drop to my stomach, leaning back into my pillows again.

But I couldn't go back to sleep; the images from my dream flashed up behind my closed eyelids. I had dreamed of Edward for the first time in months. Trying to find a reason for this, I suddenly remembered the events of the night before and shuddered, the miserable feeling instantly filling my heart again.

I turned to lie on my stomach, burying my face in the pillow. Alice and Jasper were probably in Boston, and Edward very likely knew what had happened already.

I didn't want to think about it, it surely would drive me insane.

I gulped, swallowing the lump that had appeared in my throat. How had he reacted? He must have been crushed like I had been...maybe even more so. I thought of his tendency to always take the blame for the bad things that had happened between us and bit my lip.

But would he really care that much? I remembered Alice's and Jasper's strange behavior, the way they had looked at me. There was something about Edward they didn't tell me. I became more and more positive about my presumption that he probably had found someone else – a thought that instantly made my stomach churn and brought tears to my eyes.

I pinched the bridge of my nose with two fingers and took a deep breath, then picked up my cell again. I definitely needed something to distract me now.

It took only a second before I heard the familiar raspy voice on the other end.

"Bella! Hey, you're up early!"

"Yep. Guess who woke me like 10 seconds ago? Did you fall out of bed or something?"

"Nope." He definitely was in a way too good mood for this time of day.

"Then what could be so important that it can't wait until later?" I asked him, curious.

He was quiet for a second, before he blurted out, "I did it!"

"Huh?" I was confused at first, but then- "Ew! Seriously Jake, that's definitely Too. Much. Information!" Instead of an answer I just heard his barking laughter.

"Oh Bella, not that. Well, maybe I did that, too," he started mischievously and I cringed, "but that's not the point."

He was serious now, almost solemn. I couldn't help but grin at the idea of a solemn Jacob Black. "Then what is?"

He cleared his throat. "I _proposed _last night!" he announced, an undeniable trace of pride in his voice.

"Wow- congratulations!" I answered, raising my eyebrows in surprise. Even though he had told me several times that he was planning it, hearing him say he actually did it was different. It meant we were getting older, growing up. Our teenage days were long over, we were adults now.

But I was happy for him – he and Josie were meant to be, after all.

"Thanks," he said and I could hear he was glowing with joy. "Bella, just think about this: I'm engaged. I can't believe I'm saying this, but you have no idea how awesome this feels."

Well, actually, I had. For a moment, my thoughts went back to Edward and the few weeks that he had been my fiancé. Of course it hadn't been quite the same thing – I hadn't been particularly keen on getting married in the first place – but in the end, I had gotten more and more used to the idea. In fact, I had to admit that it indeed had felt awesome to be committed to each other in that way. I felt the now too familiar lump in my throat rise again.

"Hey, are you still there?" Jacob's voice pulled me back to the present.

"Yes, sure...sorry." My voice was thick.

"Are you okay, Bella?" He sounded worried now. Great - the last thing I needed was to spoil Jake's day. I cleared my throat, focusing on the present.

"I'm fine," I answered quickly.

"Yeah…whatever." He wasn't convinced and I couldn't blame him. I was a bad actress when it came to things like that. "Anyway, I need to go. Sam and Emily decided to throw this big engagement party and there's a lot to do. They'll kill me if I don't help them."

"Oh, right. Engagement party, huh?" I sighed. "Damn, I wish I could be there." I really did. I hadn't been to La Push since Spring Break, as I had spent the summer with Renée. And the thought of my best friend's engagement party taking place without me...

"Actually, you will." Jacob said resolutely.

"Huh?" I couldn't quite make out what he meant.

"You didn't really think I would celebrate my engagement without you? You'll come here, Bella, and stay until Monday."

"You're kidding, right?" He must have been. There was no way I was able to get to Forks, especially not today.

"I'm not. That's actually the reason why I woke you this early. Your ticket is waiting for you at the airport and your plane leaves at twelve thirty, so you better hurry."

I was stunned. He didn't just buy me a ticket, did he?

"Jake, really….you shouldn't…"

"Don't you worry about it, Bella Swan! I know there's nothing important coming up at school for you and the ticket is paid for, so pack up and get here." He obviously enjoyed that he sent me into speechlessness with this.

"But it's too expensive, Jake. You can't pay for-"

"I can. Really, Bella, I just sold the Cadillac I restored, so don't you worry about the money. It's a non-refundable ticket anyway. And I really, really want you to be here." He was serious again. I sighed – this was so Jake. I was going to feel bad about this for months, knowing that, even though his car restoration business was going good, he wasn't exactly rich.

"Well, thank you then." I smiled finally, giving in to his persistence. "Just one more question though. What would you have done if I hadn't read your message in time?"

"I'd have called you. Besides, I know you always have your cell next to your head at night." He was right. I'd never gotten rid of that habit, ever since I started doing it during Renée's pregnancy. I wanted her to be able to get a hold of me in case something was wrong and Phil wasn't there. "Anyway, Charlie will pick you up in Seattle; I won't be able to make it. But I'll see you tonight." He was clearly enjoying himself and I, too, had to admit that the thought of seeing Jake in a few hours was great. For the first time since the night before, I felt somehow content.

"Okay, well…- I should start packing. I guess it's see you later, then?"

"It _so_ is! Bye, Bells."

"Bye Jake. And thanks again!"

He had already hung up. I sat up, swinging my legs out of bed, then went into the bathroom. I couldn't believe it – I was going to Forks today! Still, despite the anticipation of seeing Jake and Charlie again, I felt uneasy. I didn't know if Forks was really the place I should be going to, considering what had happened yesterday – in fact I was afraid I would go completely crazy there, seeing all the places that had memories attached to them like neon-colored Post-its.

But on the other hand, I probably would only see La Push and Charlie's house anyway - no need to go into town at all. And La Push had always been my personal place of refuge.

Plus, the Cullens were in Boston – what better place would there be to gather my thoughts about them than one that was at the opposite end of the country?

I sighed as I turned on the tap and splashed water over my face.

"Dammit," I muttered to my reflection in the mirror. "To Forks, today of all days."

For a moment, I was convinced I couldn't do it. I would have to call Jake and tell him I was sorry but I needed some alonetime. But I couldn't do that to him – it was his engagement party after all. And he had said it himself, he really wanted me to be there. So I'd go to Forks, celebrate and use the trip to try and find a solution for the mess I was in.

I shook my head – this certainly was the craziest weekend I've had in years. But I was going to go through with it – it felt like the right thing to do. I took my toothbrush from its holder next to the sink, then started brushing my teeth with newfound determination.

***

After I had dressed, I pulled my traveling bag out from under my bed, opened it and threw it on the small armchair in the corner. Just as I was heading to my closet, my cell rang again. I turned and grabbed it from my nightstand, looking at the number. It was no one I knew, but I answered anyway.

"Hello?"

"What do you think you're doing?"

It was Alice. I closed my eyes, trying to suppress the urge to just hang up again. What part of "I need more time" didn't she understand?

"You just disappeared, Bella. All I see is you leaving the house and then - nothing." She was clearly alarmed. This felt like a déjà-vu: hadn't we had this conversation already, sometime in the past? _Apparently, history repeats itself,_ I thought.

"I'm going to Forks," I answered, trying to stay calm. "Jacob got engaged and invited me to spend the weekend there."

"Oh. Well, that explains it. Sorry, I was just…worried." She sounded relieved now. Wait, had she-? She didn't think I was suicidal or something, did she?

"It's okay…listen, Alice, I need to hurry." I tried to focus on my mental packing list, but couldn't concentrate. Was she home already? Did Edward know? Or worse, was he listening to us talking right now?

"Bella…" she started, but then hesitated.

"What is it?" My voice was trembling again and I could feel myself losing control.

"I just…I hope you'll decide to come here soon. There are many things to discuss, you know."

"Yeah." I replied shakily. "I'll see. Talk to you soon."

"Okay. Bye."

I quickly hung up, then closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. I really needed to get out of here.

I put the phone in my back pocket and headed towards the closet again, trying to avoid any thoughts of the Cullens, and of Edward in particular. But it didn't work – with every piece of clothing I put into my bag another scenario of what might happen in Boston flooded my mind.

My favorite jeans: Edward with a disappointed look in his eyes, gesturing towards an unfamiliar pale blonde next to him.

My pajamas: the same girl, running her hand through her hair, a ring glittering on her left hand – a ring I knew too well, as I had worn itonce myself.

A small stack of socks: Edward storming out of the room.

It was torture, but I swallowed the tears that threatened spill over. _Get a grip, Bella Swan_, I told myself. _At this rate you'll never be able to think clearly._ When I finally pulled the zipper closed, I collapsed on my bed, letting my head sink into my hands. I breathed slowly, trying to focus. I really needed company; I would go crazy being by myself.

A look at the clock on my bedroom wall told me that it was about time I got to the airport. I got up and dialed the number of a cab company.

Ten minutes later, after having packed a few small things into my favorite backpack, I grabbed my coat and my bag and left the apartment, still trying hard to focus on anything but the Cullens.

* * *

_Feedback would be lovely! :)_


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